"whence comes the serpent of delusion?"

Today was my day to sleep way too late, take another nap a little later, and generally feel drained and out of it. I'm paying for being up too late on Friday, getting only four hours of sleep, and then staying up late again on Saturday night after a long day.

Once again, I see that once I am either awake or asleep, I like to stay that way for as long as possible. I'll sleep until I just can't sleep anymore, and then I'll stay awake until I can't see straight and I drop from exhaustion.

All the same Saturday was a good day. After the run of early-morning guitar calisthenics, sitting, and circle meeting, I spent time talking with CF about learning styles. I tend to be so strong in the intellectual aspect that I'm like a blimped up cerebral cortex floating around with a weedy, spindly little body hanging underneath. When I try to teach guitar skills to other people, I tend to go straight for a lot of intellectual explanation, and CF explained that she grasps what we're doing intellectually with no problem, but her body or "somatic self" is not keeping up.

So, I go for the intellectual aspect, even though I can look back and clearly see that I have learned a lot about playing the guitar over the years from watching good guitarists in action. I learned something from watching RF onstage with King Crimson at Bogart's several years ago. Before that, I remember learning from some shredding metal guitarists I saw onstage in the early '90s.

I also had some good practice last night. I broke down one of the triple arpeggio combinations from the calisthenics session and spent some time switching between no-tempo work and the metronome to study how my index finger and pinky were reacting with sympathetic tension at various points in the movements.

Some of these finger reaction signaled angst and tension about the next set of finger moves, and the fingers were "starting" in anticipation. I need to focus on bringing one set of fingerings to completion before allowing the next set. I need to dissipate this tension building up and focus the energy, because this sort of work does generate a lot of energy in the body, and if you're not careful you can waste it in nervous twitching instead of banking it and focusing it to your will.

I have also discovered some weakness in my ring finger on my left hand. This finger wants to lean against the middle finger, and when I get into the hand with attention to find the necessary muscle to move that finger, the muscle is weak and the finger shakes. The shaking also signals "noise" in my nervous system as the habitual signal and the new signal I'm intentionally installing fight it out.

And then there is the tendency to keep left hand fretting fingers "firm," even though the pattern has moved on and they should be "light" after releasing the note. I have a lot of "foundation work" in general to get to where I can discern the states and sensations of these muscles and program them with attention and intention.

I have also found one pattern in the series where the best fingering requires that I stretch the pinky out from the overall "center of gravity" of the fingering series. When I find the muscle I need inside my hand, my entire body reacts. It's going to take a lot of no-tempo work, a lot of Alexander Technique "inhibit and direct," to make this reaction settle down into consistent relaxation.

Understandably, I've been able to get around having to use this particular fingering most of the time, and so I've avoided it in practice. No more.

On other fronts, the mentally ill lady in the house, L, is due to be evicted on Tuesday when the Eviction Sheriff shows up in the afternoon. (I had no idea there was a specialized job title for this activity--what kind of person decides their calling in life is to be an "Eviction Sheriff"?)

It's bound to be a horrible scene.

I'm not sure she's competent or that she actually grasps what is about to happen, even though she has received a notice in the mail about it. Her behavior is unchanged.

I want to be there. I don't want to be there. I want to see it. I want to be as far away as possible when this shit goes down.

It's going to be a train wreck. I just know it.

Shortly before I got up on Saturday morning, she was bouncing around in her room screaming, "Stop it! Stop it! Telepath! Get out of my mind!"

Today, W from across the hall and the girl from the second floor prodded L into a mood swing.

L was telling them how she psychically knew their had been child murders in the house, there were ghosts in her room, and a bunch of other stuff that made it clear L is much crazier than I ever suspected--she is way, way out there. Upstairs Girl disagreed with L on her assertion that she was going to stick a needle into Upstairs Girl--only at "the clinic," of course--and test her theory that UG was daughter of D and L, the resident house manager and his wife.

When UG refused to go along with this idea, L became paranoid and screamed at UG not to look L in the eye, and to stay out of her "unit."

"You do not look in my unit without my permission! Get back into your unit! Bitch!"

W and UG retreated upstairs, while L spiralled off into a frenzy of screaming and slamming her door. She also fell into her characteristic tic where she stomps her foot and yells, "HUT! HUT!" at the top of her voice.

A little later, I left my room and stopped by UG's room where she and W were talking about this latest incident. It turns out they have both had mentally ill relatives, and they enjoy "taunting the dog" now and then.

They also both work nights, and L's antics have been keeping them up, especially W, who lives right across the hallway from L.

L has been nice to me, and I've been kind to L. We're on good terms (when we encounter each other), so I feel a little bad about participating in these discussions, but I also understand this good feeling could evaporate in a heartbeat if I say the wrong thing around L. So I avoid her as much as possible. I understand quite well that L is in some psychological orbit out on the edge of the solar system, and so I also believe she is potentially dangerous because of how unstable and unpredictable she has become.

I feel bad for her, but it's also going to be a relief once she is out of the house.

L claims lately that she's attending counseling and is going to get her medication in order. It it's true, she is way too late.

The house concensus is against her.

If L intended to head off her coming personal disaster, she needed to get herself together starting three to six months ago.

I also understand that I have had it easy compared to some of the other residents, especially W. L has been banging on the door when he uses the communal bathroom, flips the light off while he's in the shower, and runs the hot water tap on the sink in her room so his shower goes cold.

I would be in the throes of a nervous breakdown if she had singled me out for that kind of treatment.

As it is, living in close proximity to a disturbed person has affected me. I try to deny it, but there it is.

When it came out in the pow-wow upstairs that I also have the Birdman living on the other side of me--with all of his birds, his weird babbling and screeching, and the reek of bird shit or dead bodies or whatever the hell it is seeping through the wall--several people joke that the landlord should be paying me to live there.

One of the residents spotted the Birdman arguing with a pigeon one day and asking it how it "thought it was someone special." This is the first incident I'm aware of where the Birdman was not keeping his issues in check and in his room behind closed doors (where I'm the only person who has to hear it).

I've also discovered that this one angry, fearful, hateful, vicious old man I encountered on the street one day also lives here. I almost collided with him coming down the stairs following my shower today. I apologized profusely for almost running over him, but he wouldn't look at me and cowered against the wall of the stairwell. Great.

Now I need to get started on some homework and generate some positive life energy...

And "whence comes the serpent of delusion?"

A Japanese Zen Buddhist monk posed this question to the Master of the monastery in 1976.

The Master replied, "Look to your own feet!"